Dear Samuel,
When I close my eyes I can still see you. I can feel your precious cheeks on my lips and I can smell the scent that was uniquely yours. I can hear your tiny squeak and I can feel the peace I felt when I first held you and the heartbreak that incurred when I placed you in a bassinet and said a final goodbye.
I wonder today....
What would we have done for your first birthday?
Would you have enjoyed your first cupcake? Would you have smushed it all over your face or would you have gingerly picked at it like your big sister?
When I woke up with tears this morning- Daddy told me that if you were here you would toddle over and give me a big hug and I said- "Likely, you would be laying on the floor throwing a tantrum and I would take for granted the fact that I had you (tantrums and all) rather than cherish ALL the moments (easy and difficult)."
Would your sister have been annoyed with you- the fact that you would be getting into all her stuff or would she have shown you the care that she showed for you today-- when she wept over the popping of her red balloon that we bought in your memory. As her weeping continued- she told me-- I am not crying over my popped balloon mom- I am crying because I miss Samuel.
Would she have hugged you with the same vigour she hugged our Samuel Bear? Would she have celebrated that it was your day- or would she have wished for it to be her own?
Would I have such a longing for eternity or would I be muddling along in life- living the status quo- complaining about how difficult being a mom is?
Would I understand the gift that you are-- if you were sitting right in front of me?
Oh dear- Samuel-- how I miss you. I was so eager to become pregnant again- as I knew it would be part of our healing process but this pregnancy has left me divided. While we are excited and I anticipate the arrival of your baby brother or sister- every step of this journey reminds me of the loss of you.
I did not know what it would feel like to reach your first birthday without you. It is hard. I think of you everyday but today feels harder.
I imagine you- in the arms of our Father. What comfort I find in the fact that you are cradled in His arms. The same God that I talk to is holding you- how close this draws us together.
I tried to imagine the kind of party that may take place in heaven today- but then I realized- no party is necessary for everyday you dwell in joy, extravagance and celebration.
I am curious...
Do you know who I am? Do you know how much I love you? Does it matter?
I am humbled by the way in which God has used you in our lives. You have taught our family so much and you have eternally shaped us. You were so brave - even if you did not know it and you were so strong- fighting until the end.
Today we celebrate the impact that you have had on our life. We celebrate the change that we have seen as a result of your brief time with us and we cherish God's faithfulness in this journey. Through 2 Chronicles 20- God communicated to us that this was not our battle to fight and that He would fight for us- this was true a year ago and continues to be so. I am grateful today that my head is above water and our family has stayed afloat.
You are remembered and treasured dear Samuel. Thank you for being uniquely ours.
I am asking Jesus to pass on lots of hugs to you today and through many friends and family- I have felt Jesus giving us many Samuel hugs back.
I love you.
Love, Mom
