A Quick Update

We are 36 weeks today and- in this moment I am feeling hope and peace. Moriah and I picked out the first outfit we would like Samuel to wear after he is born.  We picked out the receiving blankets we plan to take to the hospital and she insisted on sifting through her books and picking a few to put in Samuel's room-- she picked the one's that she thought he would like best.

The days following my last post have been up and down.  On Monday- we learned that Samuel had grown a little from the week before- but still not much.  Moriah and I heard his heartbeat and marveled at how it increased at the sound of her voice (so cool).  At the same appointment- we learned that there is much trepidation --on behalf of the medical staff where we will be delivering-- regarding our labor and delivery. I am going to choose not to share much on this-- as it makes me quite emotional and because I understand that our story carries with it many unknowns that are not only daunting to us but also to those who are being pushed out of their comfort zones as they care for us.  All I will ask (and I have asked it before) is that you please pray for those medical staff who are meant to be with us as this story unfolds.  Please pray that the right people are on shift at the right time. That they will see that we are just as scared as they are- and that we trust them implicitly - as we believe that they are (will be) hand picked for the job.  Pray for us to have a confidence in them (that results from our trust that God will orchestrate the right care team) and pray for the staff to have a confidence in their decisions and assessments of Samuel and myself. Pray for a peace that passes all understanding to reside in our labour and delivery room.  

Tuesday and Wednesday were tough.  I felt little to no movement-- to the point where I truly believed that our time with Samuel- in utero- had come to an end.  This resulted in a series of emotions, much prayer, practice of surrender, hurt and ultimately an odd peace.  I asked for God's grace as we celebrated Chris' birthday yesterday and I decided that I would not go to the doctor until today- to confirm the loss that I believed had taken place.  Chris and I were blessed with a wonderful evening out last night while Granny and Grandpa spent time with Mo.  Shortly after dinner and while we started our movie- Samuel decided he wanted to celebrate Daddy also- I do not think he has stopped squirming and kicking since.  It was this shift that caused Mo and I to move forward in hope as we picked out his outfit and blankets today. 

We were blessed once again by Chris' faithful Grandma.  She called today as she is aware that we are on the four week (ish) countdown.  As she would say- "in a month, everything will be revealed."  She said her word for us today is this reminder: "Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that worries you and concerns you....He will not lay more on you(us) then you can handle."  Not only do I LOVE her reminder of a verse that has always been very dear to my heart but I LOVE the reminder that - this was something He has for us in order to help us face today.  We continue to put one foot in front of another- and to watch and see what the Lord will do. 

One final request-- Chris will be away on an overnight with Trinity Hockey this weekend.  We feel as though he should still go but I ask that you pray that there would be no fears of labor or anything else out of the ordinary-- while he is away. 

A picture of my kiddos and I. Before becoming a mom- I did not know love like this.  Thanks for reading and praying. 

A Story Unfinished

I borrowed the title for today's blog from a book I am currently reading called "A Story Unfinished" by Matt Mooney.  The author and his wife had 99 days with their Trisomy 18 son- Eliot.  The book showed up in our mail a week or so ago.  Our dear friend Trevor sent it to us. Trevor had told Chris it was on its way- but I missed the memo-- so I was pleasantly surprised at this seemingly unannounced gift.  It came- just when I needed it.

I have not written since Christmas.  Many of you have checked in via email, text, phone and I even notice continued hits to our blog- despite my lack of updates.  Thank you for caring.  I have not had the words to write. Or- the emotional gumption. I apologize to those of you that have wondered if something is going on- as a result of my silence.  Our status stands.  Our last appointment was January 13.  Samuel had not grown much since our appointment three weeks earlier (so my weight gain really was due to all the Christmas goodies that we had kicking around our house :-)).  Despite this- his heart was still strong and my body shows no other signs of anything being out of order. We were 35 weeks this past Thursday which makes us 35.5 weeks today.  Only 4.5 weeks to go to the due date...

I suppose this is why I have had trouble writing. Christmas was a wonderful flurry of activity.  We had the most amazing time with family and friends.  Suddenly- this joyous distraction ended.  Family went home, decorations came down, the flurry of activity- waned into the routine of day to day (something which I generally welcome).  I felt the let down this year-- big time.  To busy myself up- I was thrown into full nesting mode.  I sorted all of Moriah's baby clothes and pulled out everything gender neutral we own.  I washed all the precious outfits and blankets that represent the hope of being able to change Samuel and snug him and feed him and have him spit up so I have to change him again.  I prepared his bassinet and moved the rocking chair into - 'his room'.  As my nesting instincts ignited- I began to dream.  I wanted to do it all.  To paint. To buy Mo new furniture- so we could move our 'baby' furniture into Sam's room. I am ready for his physical and mental healing-- here.  Not in heaven but here.

Then- my Poppa passed away. Boom. Really- Lord?  Now? Oddly- since we have had kids begin to enter the Kielan side of the family-- (something that has proved to be quite a feat all around)-- it seems that one of the older (or sometimes not very old) members of our family moves on.  My Grandpa passed away a week after we found out we were expecting Moriah.  My Uncle Grant passed away a week after Dan and Christine found out they were expecting Tate.  And now Poppa-- but Poppa and Samuel-- really? In a span of 7 weeks? It couldn't be.  It feels like too much. After my initial reaction - I began to take the storm in stride. Though I miss Poppa and I love him very much-- I know his current reality is better than the direction his health was taking him. It was my pleasure to at least play a small part in some of the preparations for his memorial and I enjoyed reconnecting with family that lives far away as we reminisced over his life.

Despite this- I could not write. Tears were not only a daily occurrence but flowed freely multiple times a day. My time with the Lord was not great- only because I tended towards other avenues of escape.  I felt discouraged at the seeming unfairness of our situation and I felt low.

Then my 'surprise' book arrived in the mail. When I could not open my Bible - I opened this book (no replacement for my Bible whatsoever but still offering stories and words that I can relate to). I also began to listen to some online speaking sessions my mother-in-law directed me toward long before Christmas- but I finally felt the motivation to take the time with them. These sessions focus on the Missing Pieces in life-- the things in life that just do not seem to make sense.  So- with a story unfinished and thoughts about life's missing pieces-- I began to realize that part of my paralysis to spend time with the Lord- or to write- over the last number of weeks- has been due to our impending due date. Though our story will not be finished in 4.5 weeks (or less- or possibly- a little bit more) the plot will thicken.  Though there will still be many missing pieces-- a few more holes will be filled in.

When we first found out about Samuel's chromosomal disorder and resultant prognosis-- I could not have imagined making it to the new year-- let alone to our due date.  I was sure that the Lord was going to take Samuel before this time and - to be honest- there is a part of me that really wanted him too.  It seems that the sooner Samuel went home to be with the Lord-- the sooner- we could grieve and the easier it would be on our hearts to not really have known him.  The very thought of a lengthy pregnancy -exhausted me. And- now- here we are: January 19, 2014.  Now--- I am fighting for him.  Now- I beg the Lord-- please do not take him before we have a chance to feel the warmth of his skin. To caress his baby soft head. To hear his cry. To get this close- and then to not have these precious moments- seems unbearable.  I read about Matt Mooney's 99 day journey with his son and it both intrigues me and exhausts me. It causes me to fear what life may look like over the next while- yet it gives me hope that we will have time to know Samuel. It causes me to fear for Moriah's well being (in wake of the emotions surrounding time with her brother) yet it causes me to dream with her regarding all the plans she has already laid out for herself as a big sister (my favorite of which is-- Daddy will take care of the poopie diapers but I (Moriah) will take care of the pee ones-- sounds like a great deal for Mommy!).

In combination with the encouragement I have found through my listening and reading over the last little bit- I have also found much encouragement from our dear friends and church family.  Last Monday - we were blessed by many people in our church community and beyond who spent time fasting, listing to the Lord and surrounding us in prayer.  Though we have been offered prayer by many- we wrestled with accepting (specifically in a group context)- when we initially found things out. It is hard and humbling to receive prayers from your community-- why? I am not sure.  But it is.  Our dear friends gently persisted in asking us-- and the Lord prompted us to respond.  Why would we not take them up on this offer?  What pride issues are in our way- to cause us to prevent our church body from being obedient to the type of actions God calls us to in community? What self consciousness in me would outweigh the gifts of being surrounding in prayer. And - oh what a blessing that time was. We were filled with peace and rest as we kept our eyes on Him and as our community pleaded with the Lord for healing of our son. We were filled with reassurance as a room full of people showed their love for our precious Moriah- and prayed protection over her in this time. We were genuinely cared for as our marriage was prayed for. As the medical teams that we are and will be dealing with were prayed for and as God was glorified- despite the uncertainty that we currently face.  Our hope was renewed. I woke up the next morning and I felt covered (Under His wings- did I find refuge). Once again - our arms felt lifted up- in this battle that days before we were losing because we were not tapped into the source that will fight for us. Our home experienced a renewed sense of joy and a lightness though no medical prognosis has been changed and though the outcome is still pending.

I believe that God can heal Samuel.  In an instant. I even feel giddy at the thought that such is already the case.  But my heart is guarded.  I have seen God give (or heal) and I have seen him take away.  I do not understand how He decides which action to take at which time-- but I know He is in both and I still believe He is good.  (Samuel- liked those words-- HE IS GOOD-- he gave a double flip flop- just at the sound of them!).

Please continue to stand with us in prayer.  We need you. 
Pray for a continued peace that passes all understanding
Pray that we will hear God- in each moment of our day- that we will see Him and that we will rest in Him.
Pray for labour and delivery-- not only because it is approaching but also because we have some upcoming meetings with the staff at Langley hospital to try to best prepare ourselves and the staff for all the unknowns.
Pray for our Doctor- Dr. Hansen-- that God would give him wisdom and sensitivity to His direction over the next number of weeks as we have weekly appointments.
Pray for Moriah- who has been experiencing many bad dreams and unsettled feelings over the the last couple of weeks-- we know this is taking an emotional toll on her.
Pray that our words, actions, responses, blog would point to Christ- for that is the only way we see any redemption in any of this.
Pray for Samuel- for his healing. Pray that we will get to bring him home. Pray that his mind will function healthily and that his body will be whole.

Thank you for taking the time- to catch up and to walk with us.  I will try to give more regular updates - even if they are quick ones! Bless you.

Seren