Growing up with an unusual name like Serenity- I have always been very name conscious. In Kindergarten, I questioned my parents choice for my name as all the other kids made fun of me- at which point I renamed myself Sera - for a time. By grade four- Serenity was cool again and I loved the uniqueness of it. However- early in my teen years I really began to wonder if it suited me. It means peace and calm and tranquility. I rarely felt these attributes in my life. I often lived in fear and stress and worry. As I have gotten older- God has often used the meaning of my name as something I desire to aspire to. When life feels in turmoil- I feel called to live up to my title- and to dwell in peace, calm and tranquility.
I did not realize how much the meaning of a name meant to me- until it came time to pick a name for our daughter, Moriah. As many of you are aware - we struggled with infertility for a number of years before conceiving Moriah. During that time- God led us on a journey of surrender. The story of Abraham and his son Issac became very dear to me. How could a one hundred year old man- who had waited for a child for years and years-- willingly ascend Mount Moriah with the intention of sacrificing his son? Why would God ask him to do this? As I explored this story which I had heard many times throughout my life and which had impacted my parents as well- when I was ill as a child-- I could not help but see Abraham's posture of surrender. Abraham had hopes and dreams and plans - and he loved Issac very much---- but he loved God first and trusted that God is good and that God wanted to give him immeasurably more than he could ever ask for or imagine. Without hashing out every detail-- God used Abraham to challenge me as we awaited His plans for our family. Did I trust God enough to walk with open hands? I had a plan. We were going to begin trying to conceive after being married five years. By year 9 (at least) we would have two and then I would start convincing Chris of the benefits of four. This is not what happened. At year 9 we had our first four month old with major uncertainties surrounding whether more would come in the future. When Moriah was born- we wrestled through the 3-4 girl names we had on our list. There were others that we liked the sound of better but - God very clearly showed me the significance of picking the name Moriah, which means- God Provides. Every time we say her name- we are not only reminded of the journey of surrender that He carried us through and the provision that He made but we are vocalizing His goodness and a truth about His character.
All that is preface to sharing about our son's (I still love how that sounds) name- Samuel Tekoa Wiens. Another story that was dear to our hearts as we awaited Moriah and then again as we awaited conceiving a second time- is the story of Hannah and Samuel. Oh how she longed for a baby- a son. She wept and prayed so hard that Eli thought she was drunk. Oh the emotions that are involved in pleading God to fulfill the desires of our hearts and trusting Him when we have no control over the outcome. Samuel means "God heard" or "asked of God". I love the verse that ends off the end of 1Samuel - chapter 1-- I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. This was not a name that we planned to use as a first name-- but it has always been in the running for a middle name.
As for the name Tekoa (pitcher of tents)-- it started as Koa (based on our love for Hawaii) and then emerged as Tekoa-- as a result of my Dad's suggestion. Chris was never really on board with this as a legit option- but I tried to suggest it every so often - in order to normalize it for him. By the time our ultrasound had rolled around- I still liked it but was not sure it would ever really be in the running.
A few days prior to our ultrasound (at which point- we did not plan to find out the gender of our baby-- I am ALL about the surprise), we had both felt that maybe we should indeed consider Samuel as a first name. After having our ultrasound and experiencing the turmoil of our reality in the week following (and finding out the gender)-- we felt even more strongly about Samuel as a first name possibility. Despite Samuel's struggles we held onto the fact that we had prayed for this child, and the Lord had granted us what we asked of him. So now we give him to the Lord. For his whole life (no matter the length) he will be given over to the Lord. We slowly began to pry our hands open - into a posture of surrender that mimicked that which we had learned to practice as we had awaited conceiving in the first place. We wept in seeming drunkenness as we grieved our baby's condition and as we cried out on behalf of our son. We had not made any final decisions by the following week but we did head over to Chris' Grandma's for waffle breakfast. Grandma and Grandpa pray for us faithfully and their hearts were heavy for us. They had spent much time in prayer for us and our baby. Grandma boldly shared with us that she felt that the Lord had given her some scripture to speak to her about our situation. She proceeded to sit down at the table. Without knowing anything about our name discussions- she looked at us and said- "This is your Samuel". Then she proceeded to read 2 Chronicles 20. The just of the passage is about Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah who were facing the attack of a vast army. They had no power to face this battle but they kept their eyes on God. His message to them was "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.... You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you." (I will likely dive into this chapter more in a another post as it has become dear to me and there is more 'meat' in it- than I ever expected to find in 2 Chronicles!). The point is- she had been given us these verses to share and she was obedient-- as she read on -- vs 20-- states- "Early in the morning they (people of Judah) left for the Desert of TEKOA". Chris and I looked across the table at each other and could barely contain our hearts. As we sat there- God- through Grandma-- confirmed the name HE had hand picked for our precious baby boy and tangibly reminded us that HE IS IN THIS and that HE LOVES US and Samuel Tekoa. We made our decision that afternoon. And we were even more affirmed after sharing with my brother-- who then shared with us that God had already told him that this was the name for our boy.
I do not know how this journey will unfold-- but I do know that it has no end. Samuel Tekoa Wiens will be our son and Moriah's brother for all of eternity. No matter - how long we have- or do not have with him here on earth- we give him to the Lord. He IS an answer to prayer and we are blessed to have him in our lives.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
A Bitter Cup
"If God has made your cup sweet, drink it with grace; or even if He has made it bitter, drink it in communion with Him" (Oswald Chambers).
For the first five weeks of this particular journey- I felt like I was utterly amazed at God's grace. I did not know how I (we) were functioning on a level that still contained joy-- when I really thought about what we are facing. I kept telling people- I have never truly felt the peace that passes all understanding in this way. It felt like a drug. People were coming to the Lord on our behalf with hearts full of thanksgiving but also with hearts of petition and He was granting us the peace that passes all understanding. We were facing crisis and - overall- we were staying afloat.
Something happened this last week. I started to sink. I took my eyes off of Him. My hurt felt bitter. His actions or lack thereof seemed unjust. I was mad. Each daily activity was too much. This morning- I was faced with a devotional that started by quoting Genesis 22:2 - "Take now your son...". This is the passage where Abraham is called to take his long awaited for son - to the top of Mt. Moriah (there is no coincidence here- we have been on this journey before- in a different way) and to sacrifice to the Lord. Abraham DID NOT question God. He rose early and he went. He did not confer with others. He did not take time to wrestle with the injustice of it all. He did not choose the sacrifice or say- 'Okay- Lord- I will do this but only if you promise to not actually make me go through with it". Abraham- trusted the Lord and His goodness and promises enough to drink his 'bitter' cup in communion with Him.
This last week- I did not surrender. I questioned. I sought others- who could speak into the unfairness of this all. I wrestled with my own thoughts and laid out the injustice that I should be feeling and I held to that. Rather than rising early- and trusting. I set limits. I have told the Lord- that we will go through this but I have given Him conditions on how I think things (this sacrifice) should unfold. I need to surrender. I actually cannot walk this path- without surrendering.
Please pray for our hearts to be filled with surrender. Please pray that we have the strength to see His goodness throughout this journey (if you have no idea what our journey is- feel free to read my last blog post). We appreciate those who are journeying with us. Thank you.
For the first five weeks of this particular journey- I felt like I was utterly amazed at God's grace. I did not know how I (we) were functioning on a level that still contained joy-- when I really thought about what we are facing. I kept telling people- I have never truly felt the peace that passes all understanding in this way. It felt like a drug. People were coming to the Lord on our behalf with hearts full of thanksgiving but also with hearts of petition and He was granting us the peace that passes all understanding. We were facing crisis and - overall- we were staying afloat.
Something happened this last week. I started to sink. I took my eyes off of Him. My hurt felt bitter. His actions or lack thereof seemed unjust. I was mad. Each daily activity was too much. This morning- I was faced with a devotional that started by quoting Genesis 22:2 - "Take now your son...". This is the passage where Abraham is called to take his long awaited for son - to the top of Mt. Moriah (there is no coincidence here- we have been on this journey before- in a different way) and to sacrifice to the Lord. Abraham DID NOT question God. He rose early and he went. He did not confer with others. He did not take time to wrestle with the injustice of it all. He did not choose the sacrifice or say- 'Okay- Lord- I will do this but only if you promise to not actually make me go through with it". Abraham- trusted the Lord and His goodness and promises enough to drink his 'bitter' cup in communion with Him.
This last week- I did not surrender. I questioned. I sought others- who could speak into the unfairness of this all. I wrestled with my own thoughts and laid out the injustice that I should be feeling and I held to that. Rather than rising early- and trusting. I set limits. I have told the Lord- that we will go through this but I have given Him conditions on how I think things (this sacrifice) should unfold. I need to surrender. I actually cannot walk this path- without surrendering.
Please pray for our hearts to be filled with surrender. Please pray that we have the strength to see His goodness throughout this journey (if you have no idea what our journey is- feel free to read my last blog post). We appreciate those who are journeying with us. Thank you.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
The Journey
As many of you know- Chris, Mo and I are awaiting the arrival of our fourth family member on or around February 20, 2014. After years of infertility and then the gift of Mo- the journey continued as we hoped and prayed for a second child. Once again- this did not come easily for us-- and we battled through doubt, insecurity, desiring control, trusting God and remembering His faithfulness. Many times- I was (and still am) forced to remember the hurts of the past that led to the celebrations of the present - as every time I say Moriah's name I am reminded of its meaning-- God Provides. By God's grace we celebrated in June as we received an early ultrasound and saw the heart - of our second little miracle - beating on the screen.
Where I feel like I mostly approached our pregnancy with Mo with reckless abandon-- I have approached this one with more trepidation. I have had numerous moments- where I have had to remind myself of our journey of learning surrender and I have had to release this current pregnancy to the Lord. Approximately five weeks ago- on September 30th-- we went for our 19.5 week ultrasound. As Mo and Chris waited outside and the tech looked at our baby- I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. So- I began to recite Psalm 23-- The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear NO evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. As I lay there- my spirit calmed and I breathed with excitement as the tech brought Chris and Mo into the room. We enjoyed every moment of seeing our baby kick, suck its fists and actively move around. I left there that day- with pictures in hand-- reprimanding myself for continuing to feel fear and challenging myself to trust.
That evening- I posted our ultrasound pic on facebook as an act of faith. Sounds silly - I know. But- I really do not love posting things on facebook and I felt that - if I did-- I was battling the fear of things not working out. It was like I was making a statement that I believed- this pregnancy was for real (as there were still many people who did not know we were even expecting).
The next day- I returned home- after being out for the morning -- to a phone message from my Doctor's office to call when I could. My heart sank. I knew this was not good. I had to wait an hour- as the office was on their lunch- so I chatted with Chris and I warned him of the fact that we may be receiving some bad news. Our Doctor is phenomenal. He did not waste my time- he cut right to the point. We learned that there were numerous abnormalities with our baby and that they likely pointed to a chromosomal issue. We were booked into Women's hospital before the end of the week and our journey continued.
I am too tired- to give the details of each moment of that day-- at this point. Though I may dissect it later- as the Lord's presence was evident on numerous occasions. I will tell you- that we learned that our baby boy (who we have since named Samuel Tekoa Wiens) has Full Trisomy 18. This is a chromosomal disorder where instead of the 18th chromosome being a pair-- it is a tri (or there are three strands). As a result- our precious boy is somewhat scrambled- internally and externally. We sat in shock as we heard the list of markers that were present via ultrasound. Our son has cysts in his brain, his cerebellum is sucked into his spinal cord, his head and chin are misshapen, he has a minor heart defect, severe (most likely open) spina bifida, his little wrists are locked and his fists are clenched (as - at ten or eleven weeks his brain did not tell his joints to move- so they have frozen), his left foot is turned almost completely sideways (clubfoot) and his right foot is a rocker bottom. We had just completed a two and a half hour ultrasound where we were able to watch him on the screen the whole time. How could he look so much like a healthy functioning baby- and have so many problems?
The outcome-- yet to be determined. The stats say- 50% of T18 babies pass in utero or during labour. If a T18 baby is born alive- the median for life is 5-15 days with 8-10% of live births lasting until one year old. There are cases of children who live into the second decade but there is much controversy over the quality of life that they have. We were offered the option of termination- that day. We did not take it. We found out later that 9 out of 10 T18 babies are terminated-- making us a 'unique case' for the medical staff to deal with.
So now what? That is what we asked the next day waking up. The last 5 weeks have been filled with hopes and prayers for God's miraculous hand to knit these abnormalities out of our Samuel. We know He can heal. We also know that He has taught us before- that we are called to surrender to Him. Not with the assumption that surrender gets us what we want but with the understanding that HE IS A GOOD GOD and that- no matter how things unfold-- HE REMAINS A GOOD GOD. Samuel's healing may be truly the best healing of all- in that he may know what it means to live in eternity with Christ- before he even has to experience any pain on this earth. I know this- but it grieves me to say it.
The last five weeks have been filled with dappling in funeral plans and deciding if we want photos whether we experience a live birth or not. They have been filled with hoping that we have one more day with him and then wishing all of this away as it is emotionally exhausting. They have been filled with a new comprehension of His peace that passes all understanding -- a wonderment at how we are functioning the way we are when our circumstances are the way they are. They have been filled with moments of questioning 'why'? Of grieving. Of breaking down at the most unexpected moments. Of celebrating fetal movement and continued growth-- well at the same time having moments that I resent it-- as it is a reminder of life-- where I feel like I am facing the realities of death. Our days have been filled with wrestling with our faith- how do we pray???? How do we trust??? We know HE IS FAITHFUL-- we have seen it in the past-- how do we journey through this desert and not forget that He remains the same- yesterday, today and forever.
Please pray. Pray for Samuel. Pray as the spirit leads. Pray for our hearts as they are heavy and broken. Pray for protection over our faith- that we do not lose sight of Christ in this. Pray that this situation will be redeemed and that glory will be given to God. Pray for Chris and I- that we are able to communicate well and process individually and together. Pray for Mo- who knows her brother is sick but still talks of the day that she will push him on the swing and teach him all that she knows. Pray that while we grieve the struggles with one child- we have the strength to be good parents to our active and lively 3 year old.
Thanks for reading. I feel like there is so much to tell but I needed to start somewhere.
Where I feel like I mostly approached our pregnancy with Mo with reckless abandon-- I have approached this one with more trepidation. I have had numerous moments- where I have had to remind myself of our journey of learning surrender and I have had to release this current pregnancy to the Lord. Approximately five weeks ago- on September 30th-- we went for our 19.5 week ultrasound. As Mo and Chris waited outside and the tech looked at our baby- I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. So- I began to recite Psalm 23-- The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear NO evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. As I lay there- my spirit calmed and I breathed with excitement as the tech brought Chris and Mo into the room. We enjoyed every moment of seeing our baby kick, suck its fists and actively move around. I left there that day- with pictures in hand-- reprimanding myself for continuing to feel fear and challenging myself to trust.
That evening- I posted our ultrasound pic on facebook as an act of faith. Sounds silly - I know. But- I really do not love posting things on facebook and I felt that - if I did-- I was battling the fear of things not working out. It was like I was making a statement that I believed- this pregnancy was for real (as there were still many people who did not know we were even expecting).
The next day- I returned home- after being out for the morning -- to a phone message from my Doctor's office to call when I could. My heart sank. I knew this was not good. I had to wait an hour- as the office was on their lunch- so I chatted with Chris and I warned him of the fact that we may be receiving some bad news. Our Doctor is phenomenal. He did not waste my time- he cut right to the point. We learned that there were numerous abnormalities with our baby and that they likely pointed to a chromosomal issue. We were booked into Women's hospital before the end of the week and our journey continued.
I am too tired- to give the details of each moment of that day-- at this point. Though I may dissect it later- as the Lord's presence was evident on numerous occasions. I will tell you- that we learned that our baby boy (who we have since named Samuel Tekoa Wiens) has Full Trisomy 18. This is a chromosomal disorder where instead of the 18th chromosome being a pair-- it is a tri (or there are three strands). As a result- our precious boy is somewhat scrambled- internally and externally. We sat in shock as we heard the list of markers that were present via ultrasound. Our son has cysts in his brain, his cerebellum is sucked into his spinal cord, his head and chin are misshapen, he has a minor heart defect, severe (most likely open) spina bifida, his little wrists are locked and his fists are clenched (as - at ten or eleven weeks his brain did not tell his joints to move- so they have frozen), his left foot is turned almost completely sideways (clubfoot) and his right foot is a rocker bottom. We had just completed a two and a half hour ultrasound where we were able to watch him on the screen the whole time. How could he look so much like a healthy functioning baby- and have so many problems?
The outcome-- yet to be determined. The stats say- 50% of T18 babies pass in utero or during labour. If a T18 baby is born alive- the median for life is 5-15 days with 8-10% of live births lasting until one year old. There are cases of children who live into the second decade but there is much controversy over the quality of life that they have. We were offered the option of termination- that day. We did not take it. We found out later that 9 out of 10 T18 babies are terminated-- making us a 'unique case' for the medical staff to deal with.
So now what? That is what we asked the next day waking up. The last 5 weeks have been filled with hopes and prayers for God's miraculous hand to knit these abnormalities out of our Samuel. We know He can heal. We also know that He has taught us before- that we are called to surrender to Him. Not with the assumption that surrender gets us what we want but with the understanding that HE IS A GOOD GOD and that- no matter how things unfold-- HE REMAINS A GOOD GOD. Samuel's healing may be truly the best healing of all- in that he may know what it means to live in eternity with Christ- before he even has to experience any pain on this earth. I know this- but it grieves me to say it.
The last five weeks have been filled with dappling in funeral plans and deciding if we want photos whether we experience a live birth or not. They have been filled with hoping that we have one more day with him and then wishing all of this away as it is emotionally exhausting. They have been filled with a new comprehension of His peace that passes all understanding -- a wonderment at how we are functioning the way we are when our circumstances are the way they are. They have been filled with moments of questioning 'why'? Of grieving. Of breaking down at the most unexpected moments. Of celebrating fetal movement and continued growth-- well at the same time having moments that I resent it-- as it is a reminder of life-- where I feel like I am facing the realities of death. Our days have been filled with wrestling with our faith- how do we pray???? How do we trust??? We know HE IS FAITHFUL-- we have seen it in the past-- how do we journey through this desert and not forget that He remains the same- yesterday, today and forever.
Please pray. Pray for Samuel. Pray as the spirit leads. Pray for our hearts as they are heavy and broken. Pray for protection over our faith- that we do not lose sight of Christ in this. Pray that this situation will be redeemed and that glory will be given to God. Pray for Chris and I- that we are able to communicate well and process individually and together. Pray for Mo- who knows her brother is sick but still talks of the day that she will push him on the swing and teach him all that she knows. Pray that while we grieve the struggles with one child- we have the strength to be good parents to our active and lively 3 year old.
Thanks for reading. I feel like there is so much to tell but I needed to start somewhere.
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