Having a Moment...

Today I miss my baby.  Overall, we have been doing well. Better than what I expected- to be honest. We get up each day.  Joy often comes with the morning.  And our life is moving forward. We are not moving on but we are moving forward. It is hard to believe that our precious Samuel Tekoa Wiens entered this world and then left it again almost six weeks ago already. Some days- it does not even feel like all this has happened and some days (or moments)- it feels all too real and raw.

I have been hanging onto a verse from Lamentations which our Pastor highlighted this past Sunday-- "Yet I still dare to hope" (Lamentations 3:21). 

Though we were caught off guard - blindsided really- with the news of Samuel's diagnosis- last October 1- we still dared to hope.  We hoped for His healing. We hoped for medical error. We hoped to see him not suffer. We hoped to have him- even for a short time. We dared to hope. We clung to hope. It held the darkness back and made facing each day possible.    

Though we were caught off guard with his quick and early arrival on February 6, 2014- we still dared to hope. We hoped for a cry and we got two small squeaks. We hoped for a snuggle and we got 10 precious minutes. We dared to hope. We clung to hope. In the midst of those moments- in the valley of the shadow of death- hope allowed us to breathe.  It allowed us to stay standing. It allowed us to see the gift we had been given in Samuel and the miraculous way in which the days circumstances unfolded.

Each day since Samuel's birth and death- we dare to hope. Each moment I spend with God- I find hope in the fact that the same God I am talking to and listening to is the God that- in the same moments- is holding my precious baby in His arms. Somehow- this eases my broken mama heart and my aching mama arms. If I close my eyes- I can almost picture the two of us sitting at the feet of Jesus together - it is just that one of us is doing so in a literal manner while the other is doing so figuratively. I cling to this hope.

We dare to hope in the redemptive nature of our Lord. We have hope in the fact that He is still good despite this loss. We have hope that He is using the story of Samuel to refine us and to impact others. We have hope that He is making right all that is broken in this situation. We dare to hope. 

We dare to hope that one day we will be reunited with our son-- oh what a glorious day that will be. What a gift- that we have that hope to hang onto. My longing for heaven has changed through this experience. And to think- our child- will be able to show us the ropes! We dare to hope. 

I started this post- clinging to the pictures below. The life in Samuel's eyes. The peace as his heart still beat (albeit slowly) against my chest. These pictures reflect the brief moments we had our son alive. Though I tried to memorize his face and his body in those moments and the hours that followed with him-  the time was too short- to really know him. Some days I close my eyes and I cannot see him. I can still smell him but I cannot see him. I can still feel his cheeks on my lips but I cannot see him. I can feel the weight of his body in my arms but I cannot see him. When I started this post- my hurt felt too raw. Too unfair. Too heavy. Yet upon reflection- I still dare to hope. 

Joy Filled Moments

We celebrated/remembered the one month marker of Samuel's birth and death- this past Thursday.  Moriah has been asking to make a card to attach to a helium balloon to let go of and send to Samuel in heaven.  So she made a card, picked out two balloons (one for Samuel and one for her) and the three of us headed to 'Angel world' to remember our boy.

It was good to be back there.  I have NEVER understood why people visit cemetery's- especially those who believe that the body is simply the vessel of the person they love. I still do not really understand why- but I now understand the desire to do so. I have been wanting to head back to 'Angel World' for the last couple of weeks but I have not found the right time to do so. Moriah's enthusiasm to let Samuel's balloon go and our laughter over the fact that her card ended up being far too heavy to attach to the bottom of the string-- made our time at the cemetery somewhat chaotic and oddly enjoyable. Though my heart felt the grief of our loss -- I felt encouraged by our laughter. Ahh-- such mixed emotions.

I am not going to write much more- just a few captions as I share some snapshots of joy over the last month.

 Moriah is doing so well with her letters. She was so proud to write her name and Samuel's name on the front of his card- as well as to send him lots of hugs and kisses. 

 She wanted to draw him lots of pictures as well as have me include a special message. 

 She loves drawing wolves right now- so that is the white image at the bottom of the page- if you were wondering! :-)

 Here she is with her pink and red balloon-- she kindly picked the pink one for Samuel and the red one for herself!

 Moriah and her cousin decorating cookies together on Valentine's day! 

 The final product!

 Mmmm.... Moriah received her very own cake pop maker as a big sister gift! She tried it out while her cousins were here. She loves it!

 A cozy show while enjoying the snow! 

 Moriah also likes to try her hand at photography. She took this picture of me when the three of us visited Science world on Samuel's due date! This was our first visit as a family- we had lots of fun. Moriah even saw her first movie in a theatre! She loved it!

 Enjoying the lego exhibit!

 Having hot chocolate at one of our friend's houses! What fun!

 Celebrating the arrival of Violet!  My dear friend Mandy and I had the same due dates back when Moriah and and Jane were due. The girls ended up being two weeks apart. This time round Mandy was due two weeks after me- we were both expecting boys.  Surprise.... he actually was a she! Violet is a special gift to this Auntie who is in some serious need of baby snuggles.  

 Not sure we would label this a joy filled moment but I decided to include it.  Chris was hit in the mouth with a puck last Saturday night and received 12 stitches. On a happier note- the TWU Men's Hockey team is playing the deciding game of the first round of playoffs tonight!  We are hoping for a win!