Some Muddled Reflections

Yesterday marked three weeks since Samuel's birth and passing.  I have wanted to write so many times but I just haven't. Navigating grief is exhausting.

I want to start by thanking all of you who have been walking with us.  How blessed are we to have so many people who have taken the time to love us through this. As we awaited Samuel's arrival- we were overwhelmed by the prayers, words of encouragement and overall care that we received by so many people. We were deeply touched by the number of people who came to Samuel's celebration(or birthday party- as Moriah would call it)-- wow- thank you. And we continue to be blessed by the gift of daily meals and delicious baking (I am never going to lose this baby weight).  SO- thank you to all those who have taken the time to care for us.  I cannot tell you how much this means to us.

What a joy it is to celebrate Samuel. The day of his celebration was truly beautiful for me. It was something that I feared so much prior to his birth and it turned out to be so-- perfect. Prior to the service- we held a family graveside service. My brother led and directed it, my parents secured all the details with the funeral home and each member of our immediate family shared things that the Lord had laid on their hearts. How beautiful these moments were.

I have an overwhelming fear of graveyards, hearses, coffins, dead people- you name it-- that stems from some serious spiritual attacks I faced as a child.  I was dreading this 'have to' event that needed to take place in order to bury our son-- but - in preparing for it and in experiencing it- I witnessed- once again-- God's goodness.  A number of months ago- as we still waited with hope- for Samuel's earthly healing-- I decided to take a round about way to my friend's house and to drive by the cemetery where we thought we might bury our baby. As far a Moriah was concerned we were just happily on our way to a play date.  She was singing away in the back seat and lost in her own little world. However, as we drove past the cemetery- she looked up and proclaimed- "Look Mom- it's Angel World."  I was astonished.  I inquired a bit as to what made her call this Angel world and she told me it was because there were Angels there.  Now- in all fairness- there is a big white statue (of Jesus) right near the front of the cemetery- so she could have seen this and - assumed it was an Angel-- but I am still not so sure.  She has amazed me with her sensitivity to the spiritual realm (have I told you that on the morning that we had Samuel- she came downstairs - before we went to the Doctor or knew that anything was up- and she said-- "Mom- I think my heart is going to break today"-- I told her that her heart was not going to break.  Little did I know that she would meet and lose her brother that day).



Anyway- back to Angel world.  As we planned Samuel's graveside- we were posed with the dilemma of how to present it to Moriah. We knew that we wanted her there- as it just did not seem right to not have her with us- but we did not know how to help things make sense for her (you try explaining the separation of body and soul to a three year old).  Once again, God showed us how He had His hand in Samuel's story from the outset.  I asked Mo if she remembered seeing Angel world and she did. She even reminded me that we drove past it in our old car. We were able to share with her that we would be burying a treasure box of our earthly memories of Samuel (that's all his body really is) and that it would be in a place that we could go back and visit if we felt like we really missed him and just needed a place to remember.  We took her shopping and let her pick out something that she thought that Samuel would love as we wanted her to have something tangible to picture in the treasure chest. She picked out a cow stuffie/blanket that is very similar to her Bun-bun (her favorite stuffie).  We decorated the cow stuffie up and we delivered                                                                       him to Granny and Grandpa's so that they could place him in the box for us.


On the day of the graveside- Moriah was excited to head to Angel world to bury our treasures of Samuel. Isn't that beautiful. What a gift this was to me. All my fears were laid aside- and as I gazed upon my baby's tiny coffin- all I saw was a treasure chest. And- as I closed my eyes and pictured its contents- I saw the precious memories I had of caring him in utero and of holding him in my arms. I can still close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on that brisk afternoon. I felt such peace.  We ended the service by releasing 38 blue balloons (representing the weeks in utero) and 1 red balloon (representing the time we had with Samuel). The release of these was such a beautiful moment.

We proceeded from the graveside to the church- where the feeling of peace and joy continued. God's presence during worship (which was led by some of our dear family members), through our friends and family member's words, through the reading of a children's story, through the leadership of our pastor and friend and through the display of our slideshow (the gift of pictures from our dear friend Anita and the compilation of pics and songs by a friend from Power to Change) was tangible.

          Our Pastor and Friend Keith praying for us as we dedicate Samuel to the Lord.

 Our dear friend Ali reading "The Crippled Lamb" and a whole bunch of our little friends listening intently. 

 A glimpse of my sister-in-law's (Christine) gift to us. She took care of all the set up details for the service. 

The weeks that have ensued- have often carried this same tone of joy and peace-- but they have also carried the realities of grief.  I am finding much solace in reading. One of the books that our friends Mel and Michelle gave to us is called "I will carry you: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy".  This 'dance' is delicate and intricate. It fills our moments and our days right now. I have much to reflect on regarding this but exhaustion has hit tonight. I hope to continue writing new posts- I find much comfort and healing in doing so. We continue to pray that Samuel's story will have an impact and as a result- it will be redeemed.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.

We continue to need your prayers:
- Please continue to pray for Moriah's sleep.  She was doing really well but has begun waking up again- a couple times of night. She cannot bring herself to talk about her fears but our prayers would be that she would make it through the night without these fearful moments.
- Pray for my sleep- I have had a few panic attacks at night- and I dream often of losing people who are close to me. Please pray for peace in these areas.
- Pray for Chris and I- we process very differently.  We know this about each other and we are okay with it (though sometimes we drive each other crazy). Pray that we are sensitive to each other as we grieve in different ways. Pray that we SEE each other and really understand where we are at and pray that we continue to be drawn together in this journey.
-Finally- please pray that Samuel's story will continue to have an impact. 

Samuel's Celebration and Dedication Service

We would like to invite you to join us as we celebrate God’s goodness in giving us our precious Samuel. Our journey has been tough but we believe Samuel’s brokenness can be redeemed through how God is and will use his little life as well as through how God is working and will work in our family. We have been so abundantly blessed by the role that so many of you have played in this journey. We do not take for granted the words of encouragement, the meals, the prayers or the friendship that has helped carry us through this time. We could not face tomorrow without you- our community. 

We are trying to make this service family friendly- so as to involve Moriah as much as possible and to allow our little friends to celebrate with us- as so many have prayed for baby Samuel in a sweet and innocent way.  Please feel free to bring your children. We are not afraid of a little noise.

Finally- please try and come with hearts of celebration.  There will be tears- because we are sad at our loss but our desire is to recognize and celebrate God’s goodness – despite our sorrow. 

When- Thursday February 13, 2014 at 3pm

Where- North Langley Community Church – 21015 96^th Ave

There will not be a reception to follow.  We recognize that some people would like to give in some way. We will provide envelopes for donations for Canuck Place and for donations towards wheelchairs for our church’s (Jericho Ridge Community Church) upcoming Missions trip to Guatemala. 

He was broken but he was beautiful.

Samuel Tekoa Wiens took us by surprise and entered the world on Thursday, February 6, 2014. I woke up Thursday morning with some heavy bleeding which caused us some concern.  We called our Doctor and we were in to see him by 9:40 am.  Once we were there the symptoms seemed less pronounced and- initially- our Doctor planned to send us home and to monitor us by seeing us the next morning. However- as we were about to leave- the bleeding increased and our Doctor sent us over to the hospital to be checked out.  While we were there - it was determined that I was in the early stages of labour.  I initially have - what my Doctor calls- silent labour (sorry to all those ladies- who do not have the privilege of experiencing this)-- which means I am in labour without really knowing it-- and when my labour actually begins- it is fast and furious (sorry gentlemen who do not want to hear these details).  We were told that after some blood tests we would likely be sent home but that our dear Samuel would be coming soon.  While we waited for the blood work- we passed the time by discussing what we thought Samuel would weigh, how long he would be and whether or not we would have him in the next twenty-four hours.  Moments after Chris said that he thought there was no way it would be that quickly-- our Doctor arrived and told us that they were preparing a room for us and that we would not be going home.  His prediction was that we would have Samuel by that evening (this was around 12:30pm). 

Before- I share more-- I have to tell you the most AMAZING miracle.  As we were in the examine room- the most precious and sweet head nurse- Rochelle- treated us with the utmost care. She received us like she would any other patient and her sympathetic and sweet spirit - immediately put us at ease.  While we were waiting for the blood work- she came in to tell us that, if we did need to stay, there was a nurse who was working who could not wait to have us as her patients. Soon we were settled into room 333 (the same room that Moriah was born in) with nurse Ruth.  It turns out that Ruth usually works weekends and she had decided to pick up an extra shift on Thursday.  Prior to us coming in- she had spoken to some of her colleagues that she wondered if her purpose in being there was to deliver our baby (as we have shared before- all the nurses knew we were coming at some point-- and due to the delicacy of our situation- there were mixed feelings regarding what this would be like).  Again- this was said before it was even on her radar that we were actually there.  When we met her- she told us that she had been praying for us since she had heard about us and that she felt privileged to walk through this with us. Praise the Lord for handpicking Ruth to journey with us.  

It was determined that I had a placental abruption- but it was hard to tell how severe it was.  As my labour increased a bit- there was some concern- due to the fact that I was beginning to lose a lot of blood.  So the hope was that my labour would increase quickly - as it did with Moriah (6.5 hours from start to finish) -- and that we could avoid having to do a C-section-- which would have been necessary if I began to bleed out.  This complication brought on some concern initially but we felt as though we were in good hands.  Dr. Hansen proceeded to break my water (1:40 ish) and then we waited. We called my parents to bring Moriah-- whom we had left at preschool that morning- with the intention of seeing her later in the afternoon.  We did not know how our journey with Samuel would unfold- and it was important that Moriah was a part of the journey and that she knew that we (especially Mommy) were okay.  As we awaited her arrival- my labour began to pick up-- not to anything excruciating but contractions were no longer silent.  She came in for hugs and I did my best to put my brave face on through the ever increasing contractions. We were able to tell her that the next time we saw her- she would get to meet her baby brother.  She left and my contractions picked up but so did the bleeding.  The staff had already hooked me up on one IV of fluid to help keep me hydrated due to blood loss but they felt the need to add a second IV so that they could prepare me for a blood transfusion.  At this point- labour became a bit scarier and Chris fired off a few texts just asking our family to pray. 

Another miracle side note- The maternity ward was not overly busy.  So not only did we have Nurse Ruth- whom God had hand picked for us-- but Rachelle, the head nurse acted almost as her side kick and she was amazing.  She also loves photography and offered to document as much as she could of Samuel's first moments.  In addition- though all the nurses know how to do IV's -- Nurse Franz is known in the ward for doing them the BEST.  Though she was not assigned to us- she made the time to come and insert both my IV's.  This process went as smoothly as I have ever experienced for an IV and Franz was such a beautiful - loving woman-- who made us feel like we were of the utmost importance.  We seriously felt like we were getting VIP treatment. 

Anyway- once the IV's were in place- Dr. Hansen came in and asked Franz to get some Oxytocin as he felt it was necessary to speed things up (again- due to blood loss).  Upon hearing this- we just asked that God would speed things up- so that the Oxytocin was not necessary.  While she was gone- over a 7 minute period- I suddenly had three contractions only minutes apart.  By the time she returned- there was no need for the Oxytocin. 

I quickly remembered that labour really is not fun and tried to focus on joyful thoughts every time a contraction came. Chris was my superstar sidekick- and he offered me his hand as well as loving words of encouragement as I laboured on.  I had moments of great fear- as I was aware of significant amounts of blood loss upon each contraction and - as I knew that we were finally going to know the plan that God had for our Samuel. I am so thankful that Chris was by my side and that we were both very aware of the Lord's presence. The nurses intermittently monitored Samuel's heart rate and I felt such relief- each time we heard his heart galloping like a little horse.  His heart rate rose - as it will for any baby at this point of labour- but not once was it in distress (another MIRACLE).

By 4:39pm-- just an hour and 40 minutes after we had seen our precious Moriah- Samuel entered our world.  I remember begging God that I would hear a cry- but there was no cry. He was instantly placed on my chest -- his eyes opened half way and he looked at me.  His body was so broken but he was so beautiful-- the moment was overwhelming.  As Chris cut the cord- Samuel circled his little mouth and tried so hard to make a sound- he made two teeny tiny little squeaks but it was too much. Dr. Hansen checked his heart and it was only 20-30 bpms.  Chris took him and held him.  He marveled at him and held his precious little hand and approximately 10 minutes after Samuel entered this world-- he left it- with no struggle, no gasping, no indication of pain. He passed from the arms of his amazing earthly father into the arms of his Heavenly father.  He was broken-- very broken-- but he was beautiful.

Oh what a moment. We had no fear. We loved on our little boy and we treasured him.  We were given the gift of having him in our arms until approximately 3:00pm the next day. We bathed him, we dressed him, we swaddled him, we hugged him, we sang over him, we read scripture to him, we prayed with over him. We introduced him to our family (some beautiful moments that I may shared details about at another time), we took photos of him, we explored his beautifully broken body and worked hard at committing each part of him to memory. 

And then- we released him. I think that was the hardest thing either of us have ever done. We placed our precious boy in a bassinet and we had to let our sweet nurse Jen (lots more nurse stories will follow in another blog as well) take him away.  We walked - what felt like a disastrous walk of shame- out of the hospital to our car.  Our arms are so empty and though our hearts are full they are so broken. 

I am exhausted.  There is so much more to share but this took everything out of me tonight.  Thank you for hearing Samuel's  story. We will continue to tell it.  There are so many miraculous moments we have yet to convey- I can hardly stand not saying them now.

PLEASE PRAY-
- We are tired.  Sleep is tough. Every part (physically, emotionally and spiritually) of me feels the ache of not mothering my baby in these days after his birth. We are walking in an exhausted fog- where we only wish that our exhaustion was due to the fact that we were up all not settling cries and giving feedings.
- Moriah's heart is broken. It shows in different ways and random times.  Tonight- she blurted out-- "But he (Samuel) was supposed to come and watch me swim" and then she burst into tears.  She is grieving.
- Praise God for the many ways that He answered prayer over the last few days!

I will end tonight with this- though Samuel's life was brief-- we would like to celebrate it. We will be having a celebration/a dedication of his life on Thursday - February 13. It will be open to anyone who has walked this journey with us- that is able to join us.  Details will follow over the next day or so. 

Today's Miracles

Thank you all for your prayers.  Today's Doctor's appointment revealed that Samuel has grown.  I measured 36 cm-- up from 34 cm (last week).  My Doctor still does not believe this to be fluid build up.  Samuel's heart rate was 140 bpm and it was the clearest that we have ever heard it.  Oh- please- keep praying for his complete healing!

Also- for those of you who have been praying for Moriah's bad dreams-- thank you.  Please keep doing so! She excitedly skips into our room - almost every morning- at 6:30am - and announces- "I had no bad dreams last night!" 

As I mentioned in my last blog- I have not been feeling well- due to a chest infection.  The last number of days have been really tough with this but my wonderful husband, my loving parents and some dear friends- have really helped out and I have had some good time to rest.  I started antibiotics  and I am already feeling much better-- please continue to pray health over Chris and Moriah and all those who have helped me out. 

I am going to bed tonight with a joy filled and hope filled heart. Oh- how I long to see my baby come out strong and healthy. Please believe with me that the seemingly impossible will be possible.

Ephesians 3:20-21--  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Feeling Ningy

Ningy (Ning-ee) is a word coined by my Gramma (yes- this is how we spell it) Zucht and my Mom.  They would always give it to me as a word to use when I was feeling majorly 'off' but just could not explain what I was feeling or why I was feeling that way.  Though- I think I currently know the why regarding my feelings-- I cannot say that I can totally explain the what.

It has been approximately a week and a half since I blogged last.  Much has been going on in my heart and my mind since then.  I do not feel as though I will be able to do the workings of my heart justice tonight- so I plan to just give you an update.

Our last Doctor's appointment was last Wednesday (Jan 29).  It went well.  Samuel had grown much more than the week previously.  I was measuring 34 cm a jump from the 32 cm I had measured the week before (though he was measuring behind -- he has stayed fairly consistent in his slower growth- which is okay.  It is better than a huge drop off in growth).  Sam's heart rate was 146 bpm which is also good.  Furthermore- our Doctor believes that he is approximately 5-5.5 pounds (surprising for his condition). Dr. Hansen's response was -- "all bet's are off".  Now- I really wish that meant that we could be wrong about Sam having T18 and that he may in fact be a totally healthy little boy.  However, outside of the his total healing (which I find myself pleading with the Lord for), it simply means that we have a higher chance of meeting him alive (which is a miracle in itself-- but - like a cranky- ningy child-- I find myself wanting more).  We left our appointment with a mixture of hope and sadness.  This hit me hard.  I woke up the next morning not feeling well and the combination of my physical ailment and my emotions threw me into a state of extreme ningy-ness.  I muddled my way through Thursday and Friday-- putting on a brave face when I could and otherwise breaking down. My dear friend Kim- was at the receiving end of one of these breakdowns as our girls participated in swimming lessons together.  She never skipped a beat- as I melted she graciously encouraged. She hugged me, fed me, loved my daughter and genuinely walked with me through my frustration, hurts, hopes and fears.  So many of you have done this in so many ways over the last number of months (both for Chris and I individually and together) and we are truly grateful. 

My cold- or whatever I have- hit fully on Saturday.  As I spent time laying in bed - I just felt heavy.  I have not felt this heaviness in this journey yet-- and I do not really know what to do with it. I feel like I am losing traction.  I cannot believe that we are just over two weeks out from our due date. The unfolding of Samuel's story feels like it is barreling towards us-- and I want to cry out-- "Lord- please take this from me-- do not let my heart face such pain". 

The desert feels hot and dry.  We feel parched. We are dragging today. But three different times- over the last week-- God has given me a picture through scriptures from others.  The picture is that of our family being hidden under His wings and finding respite in His shadow. I have been reminded that He see's us and knows us. He see's the unfolding of this story-- He goes before us.

 Please pray. 

Pray for:
- Samuel- that he is healed
- This bug that I have- that it will pass and that I will not have it when going into labour
- Protection over Chris - that he will not get sick (and that Mo does not get it again-- pretty sure she already had it).
- Peace, joy, a full understanding of the shelter we receive under His wings and in His shadow
- Continued drive to turn to God and scriptures- even when feeling ningy
- Our doctor's appointment on Wednesday-- that Samuel will continue to show signs of growth

Despite the tone of this blog and the feelings that I have shared- I wanted to post a few pictures of the joy we are continuing to find in life. Peruse them- if you feel so inclined! Thanks again for reading. I will try to update after our appointment this week.

 Daddy's Birthday Breakfast

 Daddy's birthday Dinner and Cake- Mo got her own candle because she had a cold and we did not want her to share it with all of us :-)

 We were blessed to go to the hockey game on January 27. To my dismay- the wrong team won.

 This girl LOVES her Daddy!

 The bump! Mo loves hugging and tickling Samuel!

 A sunny February morning- found us in our backyard.  Moriah loves pushing her doll in the swing. She regularly tells me that she cannot wait to get to do this with Samuel. So - I end- with high hopes that I will be posting a similar picture to this-- sometime in the next number of months-- with Samuel in the swing.