A Birthday Letter

Dear Samuel,

When I close my eyes I can still see you. I can feel your precious cheeks on my lips and I can smell the scent that was uniquely yours. I can hear your tiny squeak and I can feel the peace I felt when I first held you and the heartbreak that incurred when I placed you in a bassinet and said a final goodbye.

I wonder today....

What would we have done for your first birthday?
Would you have enjoyed your first cupcake? Would you have smushed it all over your face or would you have gingerly picked at it like your big sister?

When I woke up with tears this morning- Daddy told me that if you were here you would toddle over and give me a big hug and I said- "Likely, you would be laying on the floor throwing a tantrum and I would take for granted the fact that I had you (tantrums and all) rather than cherish ALL the moments (easy and difficult)."

Would your sister have been annoyed with you- the fact that you would be getting into all her stuff or would she have shown you the care that she showed for you today-- when she wept over the popping of her red balloon that we bought in your memory. As her weeping continued- she told me-- I am not crying over my popped balloon mom- I am crying because I miss Samuel.

Would she have hugged you with the same vigour she hugged our Samuel Bear? Would she have celebrated that it was your day- or would she have wished for it to be her own?

Would I have such a longing for eternity or would I be muddling along in life- living the status quo- complaining about how difficult being a mom is?

Would I understand the gift that you are-- if you were sitting right in front of me?

Oh dear- Samuel-- how I miss you.  I was so eager to become pregnant again- as I knew it would be part of our healing process but this pregnancy has left me divided.  While we are excited and I anticipate the arrival of your baby brother or sister- every step of this journey reminds me of the loss of you.

I did not know what it would feel like to reach your first birthday without you. It is hard. I think of you everyday but today feels harder.

I imagine you- in the arms of our Father. What comfort I find in the fact that you are cradled in His arms. The same God that I talk to is holding you- how close this draws us together.

I tried to imagine the kind of party that may take place in heaven today- but then I realized- no party is necessary for everyday you dwell in joy, extravagance and celebration.

I am curious...

Do you know who I am? Do you know how much I love you? Does it matter?

I am humbled by the way in which God has used you in our lives. You have taught our family so much and you have eternally shaped us. You were so brave - even if you did not know it and you were so strong- fighting until the end.

Today we celebrate the impact that you have had on our life. We celebrate the change that we have seen as a result of your brief time with us and we cherish God's faithfulness in this journey. Through 2 Chronicles 20- God communicated to us that this was not our battle to fight and that He would fight for us- this was true a year ago and continues to be so. I am grateful today that my head is above water and our family has stayed afloat.

You are remembered and treasured dear Samuel. Thank you for being uniquely ours.

I am asking Jesus to pass on lots of hugs to you today and through many friends and family- I have felt Jesus giving us many Samuel hugs back.

I love you.

Love, Mom

The Delicate Dance of Joy and Grief

It has been nearly 7 months since I last blogged. Without providing an excuse- I will say that my silence says much about this leg of the journey. Perhaps- today- I am turning a corner and I may be able to fill you in little with some upcoming entries. For now- I will be brief.

Our grief is still very real. A week tomorrow marks one year since our precious Angel Samuel entered and exited this world. At moments- I feel like our experience of him is surreal and I question if it really happened. In other moments- I am brought right back to his scent, his lightness in my arms and his kissable cheeks. What a gift!

Our Joy is also real. On August 1, 2014- we found out we were expecting. This pregnancy has been its own journey- as it has surfaced new feelings surrounding our loss of Samuel, it has caused fear that we may need to walk the same road again and it has come with some physical unknowns and difficulties.  All that to say- I am 30 weeks pregnant today and our Baby Bits (as we fondly refer to him or her) is rolling around and kicking as I write. What a gift!

This is a picture of Baby Bits at 28 weeks gestation. Our AMAZING specialist did a quick 3D shot for us!!! Though we have had some other complications- Bits only shows signs of health!







In both grief and joy-multiple truths still stand:

1. The same God that held me throughout last year- holds me today.
2. He is Good!
3. We dare to hope because we have caught an even deeper glimpse of an eternal perspective that far outweighs anything we will face or experience (good or bad) here on earth.
4. We are anticipating the arrival of our 3rd child- each one of our children is a blessing, has their own story and was specifically given to us- so that we can steward the gift that they are- according to who Christ has called us to be as their parents.

This is all I can muster tonight. My heart has so many stories and lessons to share.

I feel called and convicted to continue to tell our redemptive story. 

Thanks for reading!