We passed another milestone this week. The three month mark. Three months? How can that be? It was four months from finding out about Samuel's diagnosis until his birth. Those four months lasted FOREVER. Now it has been three months since his passing and I have no idea where the time has gone. This scares me a little. The further away we get from his birth, the further I feel from him. How can you love and miss someone so deeply that you only knew for 10 minutes? It is crazy.
My wonderful sister-in-law had made a shadow box with some pictures and keepsakes in it for Samuel's memorial. It still sits on our mantle. One of the keepsakes is the toque that he wore (Chris' Great Grandma had made it for our oldest nephew Mackenzie when he was born but it was always too small for Mackenzie so Mom saved it for us!) This toque was the only item that touched Samuel that I have not washed. This may sound crazy but on Tuesday night- I found myself watching the video from Samuel's memorial while opening up the shadow box, retrieving the toque and clinging to its scent. It still smells like my baby. What a gift.
Moments of despair are not common right now. Overall, we continue to experience a peace that passes all understanding. We walk in more joy moments than moments of grief -- but we still remember.
This week, Moriah has been remembering Samuel through a lot of tough questions. Top on the list is- "How is Jesus in my heart and in heaven with Samuel?" Every time I try to answer her she quickly gets bored with my ramblings and dismisses me so I am kind of glad she keeps asking as she is forcing me to attempt to perfect my answer. I heard her ask Chris the other night but I did not hear his response. In hopes that he had done a better job of answering her than me, I asked him later what he said. He admitted that his best efforts only allowed him to affirm the validity and quality of her question but that was about it. I guess we both have a bit of work to do.
Tonight, Moriah remembered Samuel by asking when Jesus was going to go to the hospital again. When I asked her what she meant- she said she wanted to know if Jesus was going to go to the hospital to be with Samuel because he is still sick. In great gusto and joy- I reminded her that Samuel was no longer sick but that he was healed. Her little eyes lit up- and she said, "so does that mean that he gets to come home?" I had to retract and remind her that Samuel is only healed because he is in heaven with Jesus. If he was steal here he would be very sick still. For the first time, I told her a bit about the brokeness of his body (something his little sleeper hid well). She was disappointed. She then informed me that she wished that Samuel could go camping with us. She often shows her grief by sharing the things she dreams of doing with him.
I cannot remember if I have shared this yet and I am not going to look back and check right now. If I have- it is worth the repeat. One of the most amazing gifts we continue to receive is her sensitivity to the Spirit. She is not a huggy child but every so often, she runs up and gives one or both of us a hug and then proceeds to tell us that Samuel gave Jesus a hug, Jesus gave her a hug and she is supposed to give us the hug so as to pass it along.
If you are still reading this. Thank you. Thank you for reading all along and checking back in for an update (despite the fact that I have been MIA for a while). We continue to covet your prayers. I will continue to write whenever I feel prompted. Bless you.
