God's Handiwork

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being,
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

I have always loved this passage.  I have meditated on it. referenced it and hung onto it- many times in my life. As we journey with Samuel- I find that - while it is a passage that still brings me much comfort- it simultaneously stirs up questions.

I believe that God has created Samuel's inmost being. He is knitting Him together in my womb. His frame is not hidden from God- in fact God saw his unformed body. God knows how many days Samuel will have in my womb.  He knows how much time Samuel will have on earth and He knows the exact hour He will call Samuel to come home to be with Him.

I am struggling with understanding how God's knitting includes an extra chromosome.  Did God intend Samuel to be knit this way? Or- is Samuel's extra chromosome a result of the fact that we live in a fallen world? When I was little and suffered from asthma- did God knit asthma into my system or was my asthma a result of the fallen world that we live in? My mom suffers from a chronic illness- did God knit her that way or is it resultant of the fallen world that we live in?

I had someone respond to a previous post- encouraging me to remember that Samuel is perfect in God's eyes- perfect.  Is this true? Does God see Samuel's extra chromosome as perfect. Did He intend for Samuel to have cysts on his brain, troubles in his heart, open spina bifida,  locked wrists, clubbed feet, paralysis? I do not doubt for a second that God LOVES Samuel totally and completely. But does God view him as perfect? Or does God's heart break for the struggles that life will bring for him? Is God intentionally knitting him this way? I have a hard time understanding that.

I have no answer to this query- but I have wrestled with it a bit over the last week or so.  I do not know if I will ever find an answer- but I do feel like it is okay to ask.

We were blessed with the experience of a 3D ultrasound this past weekend. Samuel was face down, with part of my placenta blocking a part of his face at times and the umbilical cord was over his face-- thus causing our view of him to be somewhat obscured. However, we were still able to get some pictures of him and to view his precious being for just under an hour. How good it was to see him again. He is beautiful.

My heart was hopeful - going into the ultrasound. I hoped to have the technician show complete surprise regarding that we thought anything would misshapen or abnormal. Instead- she intimated that she was surprised that we had chosen to continue to walk this path of pregnancy rather than terminate.

As I watched his precious face on the screen. As I observed the obscure shape of his spine. As I more clearly saw the disfigurement of his limbs- I hurt for him-- yet I thought he was beautiful. I could have watched the screen for hours. I have loved every moment of our take home dvd and picture slide show. One of my favourite parts was when- in attempts to make him shift position- I gave him a few good pokes.  You could see on the screen- where I was poking at him- as my uterus would sink in towards him-- as I poked- he reached his little hand up and placed it against my uterine wall- right where I was poking.  It was as if I was holding his hand. What a precious little moment - that I have captured on dvd forever.

This ultrasound brought me such joy, such hope, such excitement --- yet such sadness at the thought that Samuel's future is still so unknown. Unknown but not undetermined- which brings me back to Psalm 139-- All Samuel's days and (my days, Chris's days, Moriah's days) were ordained for him before one of them came to be.  Though I have a plan as to how I long for these days to unfold-- I find hope in the fact that God already knows the outcome-- and that He promises to lead us and guide us if we willingly follow Him.

Without further delay- I would like to share a few pictures of our precious baby.

 He has the cutest little nose and lips. His little face is pressed between my placenta and uterine wall.

 Here are his hands and feet. I have been reading and rereading a book titled " A Mother's Heart"- The author reminds us that "it is the very gospel of His grace that He can repair things that are broken" (38). He will make the crooked straight.

    Another little face picture- cut off by something on the right hand side but precious nonetheless.