Feeling Ningy

Ningy (Ning-ee) is a word coined by my Gramma (yes- this is how we spell it) Zucht and my Mom.  They would always give it to me as a word to use when I was feeling majorly 'off' but just could not explain what I was feeling or why I was feeling that way.  Though- I think I currently know the why regarding my feelings-- I cannot say that I can totally explain the what.

It has been approximately a week and a half since I blogged last.  Much has been going on in my heart and my mind since then.  I do not feel as though I will be able to do the workings of my heart justice tonight- so I plan to just give you an update.

Our last Doctor's appointment was last Wednesday (Jan 29).  It went well.  Samuel had grown much more than the week previously.  I was measuring 34 cm a jump from the 32 cm I had measured the week before (though he was measuring behind -- he has stayed fairly consistent in his slower growth- which is okay.  It is better than a huge drop off in growth).  Sam's heart rate was 146 bpm which is also good.  Furthermore- our Doctor believes that he is approximately 5-5.5 pounds (surprising for his condition). Dr. Hansen's response was -- "all bet's are off".  Now- I really wish that meant that we could be wrong about Sam having T18 and that he may in fact be a totally healthy little boy.  However, outside of the his total healing (which I find myself pleading with the Lord for), it simply means that we have a higher chance of meeting him alive (which is a miracle in itself-- but - like a cranky- ningy child-- I find myself wanting more).  We left our appointment with a mixture of hope and sadness.  This hit me hard.  I woke up the next morning not feeling well and the combination of my physical ailment and my emotions threw me into a state of extreme ningy-ness.  I muddled my way through Thursday and Friday-- putting on a brave face when I could and otherwise breaking down. My dear friend Kim- was at the receiving end of one of these breakdowns as our girls participated in swimming lessons together.  She never skipped a beat- as I melted she graciously encouraged. She hugged me, fed me, loved my daughter and genuinely walked with me through my frustration, hurts, hopes and fears.  So many of you have done this in so many ways over the last number of months (both for Chris and I individually and together) and we are truly grateful. 

My cold- or whatever I have- hit fully on Saturday.  As I spent time laying in bed - I just felt heavy.  I have not felt this heaviness in this journey yet-- and I do not really know what to do with it. I feel like I am losing traction.  I cannot believe that we are just over two weeks out from our due date. The unfolding of Samuel's story feels like it is barreling towards us-- and I want to cry out-- "Lord- please take this from me-- do not let my heart face such pain". 

The desert feels hot and dry.  We feel parched. We are dragging today. But three different times- over the last week-- God has given me a picture through scriptures from others.  The picture is that of our family being hidden under His wings and finding respite in His shadow. I have been reminded that He see's us and knows us. He see's the unfolding of this story-- He goes before us.

 Please pray. 

Pray for:
- Samuel- that he is healed
- This bug that I have- that it will pass and that I will not have it when going into labour
- Protection over Chris - that he will not get sick (and that Mo does not get it again-- pretty sure she already had it).
- Peace, joy, a full understanding of the shelter we receive under His wings and in His shadow
- Continued drive to turn to God and scriptures- even when feeling ningy
- Our doctor's appointment on Wednesday-- that Samuel will continue to show signs of growth

Despite the tone of this blog and the feelings that I have shared- I wanted to post a few pictures of the joy we are continuing to find in life. Peruse them- if you feel so inclined! Thanks again for reading. I will try to update after our appointment this week.

 Daddy's Birthday Breakfast

 Daddy's birthday Dinner and Cake- Mo got her own candle because she had a cold and we did not want her to share it with all of us :-)

 We were blessed to go to the hockey game on January 27. To my dismay- the wrong team won.

 This girl LOVES her Daddy!

 The bump! Mo loves hugging and tickling Samuel!

 A sunny February morning- found us in our backyard.  Moriah loves pushing her doll in the swing. She regularly tells me that she cannot wait to get to do this with Samuel. So - I end- with high hopes that I will be posting a similar picture to this-- sometime in the next number of months-- with Samuel in the swing.