I want to start by thanking all of you who have been walking with us. How blessed are we to have so many people who have taken the time to love us through this. As we awaited Samuel's arrival- we were overwhelmed by the prayers, words of encouragement and overall care that we received by so many people. We were deeply touched by the number of people who came to Samuel's celebration(or birthday party- as Moriah would call it)-- wow- thank you. And we continue to be blessed by the gift of daily meals and delicious baking (I am never going to lose this baby weight). SO- thank you to all those who have taken the time to care for us. I cannot tell you how much this means to us.
What a joy it is to celebrate Samuel. The day of his celebration was truly beautiful for me. It was something that I feared so much prior to his birth and it turned out to be so-- perfect. Prior to the service- we held a family graveside service. My brother led and directed it, my parents secured all the details with the funeral home and each member of our immediate family shared things that the Lord had laid on their hearts. How beautiful these moments were.
I have an overwhelming fear of graveyards, hearses, coffins, dead people- you name it-- that stems from some serious spiritual attacks I faced as a child. I was dreading this 'have to' event that needed to take place in order to bury our son-- but - in preparing for it and in experiencing it- I witnessed- once again-- God's goodness. A number of months ago- as we still waited with hope- for Samuel's earthly healing-- I decided to take a round about way to my friend's house and to drive by the cemetery where we thought we might bury our baby. As far a Moriah was concerned we were just happily on our way to a play date. She was singing away in the back seat and lost in her own little world. However, as we drove past the cemetery- she looked up and proclaimed- "Look Mom- it's Angel World." I was astonished. I inquired a bit as to what made her call this Angel world and she told me it was because there were Angels there. Now- in all fairness- there is a big white statue (of Jesus) right near the front of the cemetery- so she could have seen this and - assumed it was an Angel-- but I am still not so sure. She has amazed me with her sensitivity to the spiritual realm (have I told you that on the morning that we had Samuel- she came downstairs - before we went to the Doctor or knew that anything was up- and she said-- "Mom- I think my heart is going to break today"-- I told her that her heart was not going to break. Little did I know that she would meet and lose her brother that day).
Anyway- back to Angel world. As we planned Samuel's graveside- we were posed with the dilemma of how to present it to Moriah. We knew that we wanted her there- as it just did not seem right to not have her with us- but we did not know how to help things make sense for her (you try explaining the separation of body and soul to a three year old). Once again, God showed us how He had His hand in Samuel's story from the outset. I asked Mo if she remembered seeing Angel world and she did. She even reminded me that we drove past it in our old car. We were able to share with her that we would be burying a treasure box of our earthly memories of Samuel (that's all his body really is) and that it would be in a place that we could go back and visit if we felt like we really missed him and just needed a place to remember. We took her shopping and let her pick out something that she thought that Samuel would love as we wanted her to have something tangible to picture in the treasure chest. She picked out a cow stuffie/blanket that is very similar to her Bun-bun (her favorite stuffie). We decorated the cow stuffie up and we delivered him to Granny and Grandpa's so that they could place him in the box for us.
On the day of the graveside- Moriah was excited to head to Angel world to bury our treasures of Samuel. Isn't that beautiful. What a gift this was to me. All my fears were laid aside- and as I gazed upon my baby's tiny coffin- all I saw was a treasure chest. And- as I closed my eyes and pictured its contents- I saw the precious memories I had of caring him in utero and of holding him in my arms. I can still close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on that brisk afternoon. I felt such peace. We ended the service by releasing 38 blue balloons (representing the weeks in utero) and 1 red balloon (representing the time we had with Samuel). The release of these was such a beautiful moment. 
We proceeded from the graveside to the church- where the feeling of peace and joy continued. God's presence during worship (which was led by some of our dear family members), through our friends and family member's words, through the reading of a children's story, through the leadership of our pastor and friend and through the display of our slideshow (the gift of pictures from our dear friend Anita and the compilation of pics and songs by a friend from Power to Change) was tangible.
Our Pastor and Friend Keith praying for us as we dedicate Samuel to the Lord.
Our dear friend Ali reading "The Crippled Lamb" and a whole bunch of our little friends listening intently.
A glimpse of my sister-in-law's (Christine) gift to us. She took care of all the set up details for the service.
The weeks that have ensued- have often carried this same tone of joy and peace-- but they have also carried the realities of grief. I am finding much solace in reading. One of the books that our friends Mel and Michelle gave to us is called "I will carry you: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy". This 'dance' is delicate and intricate. It fills our moments and our days right now. I have much to reflect on regarding this but exhaustion has hit tonight. I hope to continue writing new posts- I find much comfort and healing in doing so. We continue to pray that Samuel's story will have an impact and as a result- it will be redeemed. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
We continue to need your prayers:
- Please continue to pray for Moriah's sleep. She was doing really well but has begun waking up again- a couple times of night. She cannot bring herself to talk about her fears but our prayers would be that she would make it through the night without these fearful moments.
- Pray for my sleep- I have had a few panic attacks at night- and I dream often of losing people who are close to me. Please pray for peace in these areas.
- Pray for Chris and I- we process very differently. We know this about each other and we are okay with it (though sometimes we drive each other crazy). Pray that we are sensitive to each other as we grieve in different ways. Pray that we SEE each other and really understand where we are at and pray that we continue to be drawn together in this journey.
-Finally- please pray that Samuel's story will continue to have an impact.
We continue to need your prayers:
- Please continue to pray for Moriah's sleep. She was doing really well but has begun waking up again- a couple times of night. She cannot bring herself to talk about her fears but our prayers would be that she would make it through the night without these fearful moments.
- Pray for my sleep- I have had a few panic attacks at night- and I dream often of losing people who are close to me. Please pray for peace in these areas.
- Pray for Chris and I- we process very differently. We know this about each other and we are okay with it (though sometimes we drive each other crazy). Pray that we are sensitive to each other as we grieve in different ways. Pray that we SEE each other and really understand where we are at and pray that we continue to be drawn together in this journey.
-Finally- please pray that Samuel's story will continue to have an impact.
No comments:
Post a Comment